I'm an emotional rollercoaster

I miss him most when I feel alienated and discouraged.

He was so good at comforting me when I felt that way. I feel dumb in a way for missing him, because he's the one that ended things. But wouldn't it mean that I hadn't cared about our relationship at all if I didn't, at times, miss parts of it/him? I don't think the fact that I sometimes miss it is necessarily a bad thing, so long as I don't dwell on it for long. After all, he was a part of my life. A part of my story - one of the characters (among many) that, in a way, helped me along to where I am today. And maybe it's not necessarily that I miss the relationship itself - I think a lot of it is that I miss the companionship. I miss having that one person (besides family & friends) that I could go to, no matter what, no matter when and spill my guts, cry, share everything. I miss that so incredibly much. And I'm scared that I'll never have that again.

No matter how many times the lies are dismissed, they still creep up every now and then. I almost have this guilty feeling, for what exactly I don't know. I almost feel partial responsibility for the end of our relationship. Why? Because now, in hindsight, I can see the signs. I see all the signs so clearly. I can pinpoint where things started going wrong. I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had analyzed them more, instead of just dismissing everything in hopes that it would fix itself. Why did I do that?

I will never understand how you can just stop loving someone. That is one part of the mystery that will never have an answer. Sometimes I wonder if I had showed my love for him better, if he would have still stopped loving me. How can you stop making someone a priority when they love you so much?

You know what terrifies me? That whoever I have a relationship with next will never fully understand what this past relationship meant to me. That, to me, is one of the scariest things. I don't think I could be with someone that didn't understand, because if they didn't understand it, how would they be able to understand me now? How could they see how it's affected me, & how the end of it affected me (negative & positive ways)? It was a part of my life, and I will still talk about it occasionally, and I need them to see that & be ok with it. It wasn't one of those nasty terrible breakups; we talked afterwards, but in the end after I decided to stop talking with him, we had an almost peaceful, last conversation. An understanding, I suppose, that we've gone our separate ways, and no hard feelings from either one of us.

Maybe, just maybe..they will understand because maybe they've been in a similar situation. I can only hope (not that I want people to have experienced heartbreak, but two people who have can relate better than one person who has and one who hasn't).

You know what else? I wonder if he will tell any girls he has a relationship with about me. I know that sounds so petty and selfish. But we were going to get married. That's huge. What worries me is that he won't tell (why should I care though? but I do). Which means that he didn't care for me as much as I cared for him (right?). I was a part of his life too. I was there for him when no else was.

Some things wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have all these memories. All of these terrible, bittersweet memories.

I know God's not done with me yet. But it's hard to not lose hope or not become bitter when it seems like everyone around me is in love, has a boyfriend, getting engaged, or married.

There was some purpose to all of this happening to me...

I just don't know what it is yet.

I'm probably going to regret writing this after I wake up tomorrow. It's really late so that's part of the reason I'm feeling super emotional.

If you read through all of this emo blehhh, you deserve an award. Seriously. Thanks for sticking around. Feel free to leave encouraging comments; I could use them right now.