the games we (let ourselves) play

when my ex calls, i get nervous & my heart starts racing for some reason. he broke up with me, he's said a million times he wants to be friends, i know he's not trying to play games. but for some awful reason, i actually get a little bit excited when he calls, or when i know i'll be talking to him soon. & i think it's not necessarily that i still have some feelings for him (although that may hold some truth), but i love the attention. even though he's my ex, even though he broke my heart, it makes me feel a little bit good about myself that he calls to catch up and see how i'm doing. makes me think "oh i'm awesome & such a great person because even my ex doesn't want to completely get out of my life. he wants to be friends. i must be the shizz." yeah, pretty much goes like that inside my head. & also something like this too "it's kind of nice to have some sort of boy calling me up, hanging around. even though it's my EX. he's still a boy." & for some awful reason, i like it when i get the chance to talk about him in front of another guy. "like oh, i'm a great girl. get this, my ex still talks to me. & i'm the bigger person, because he broke up with me. so look how cool i am, because i dated such a great guy. & maybe one day, if you play your cards right, you can date me too. but you have to measure up to my ex." gahhh what a sick game i'm playing with myself. as i'm typing this out, i'm just beginning to realize it. i still have a ton of respect for my ex, and still think he's such a great guy. i still have him on a freakin pedestal!! even though he broke my heart in an awful way! why??? why do i still compare guys to him, why do i still think he's the greatest guy. why do i still think about his advice and think about what he would do in situations & stuff. i made him too huge of a priority in my life when we were dating, that is obvious. i idolized him. he may be a great person, but i have to stop thinking like this. & i keep telling myself i'll cut off communication with him soon, but to be completely honest, i don't want to. i know i have to though. i just don't want to feel like i'm leaving him (even though he left me, so why should i care) when he needs a friend. gahh.

see, i'm ridiculous.